


selfish machine

by retrosas



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dark Kuroko Tetsuya, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Possessive Behavior, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, this is not a happy story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:40:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26726071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retrosas/pseuds/retrosas
Summary: "I was just…selfish. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted something and finally, I thought I should aim for it. I should work for it. But people…people are afraid of being selfish. Do they think that they're the only ones afraid?" Dark! Kuroko; Semi! Dark Themes; Can be considered as Semi! AU.Originally posted on FFNET in 2013 under the same title and summary.
Relationships: Generation of Miracles & Kuroko Tetsuya, Kagami Taiga & Kuroko Tetsuya
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	selfish machine

**Author's Note:**

> hello wow so i found my backup memory card with my first few knb fics after a long time and decided to move some things on over here! i've been wanting to move my FFNET fics over on here for a while now, but since importing isnt an option (from what i know), i had to look for this very specific memory card first and here we are!
> 
> please note i wrote this when i was 14-15, i was an angsty teenager going through things (still am but whatever) and this was partly a vent fic and partly me vibing to pierce the veil music at midnight (hence the title and the references) and getting inspired (and im listening to the same songs haha full circle). anyway, point is, i was young, please dont hate on younger me too much because i know, i'm my biggest critic, and i'd like to think i've improved a lot since then!!!
> 
> i made absolutely _no changes_ to this, literally my word file still says 2013 and the only thing i'm doing is copy pasting the work onto here. i lowkey cringe at some things i wrote and the way my sentences flowed, but this is one of my first ever long-ish works when i used to struggle with long fics and exploring other au-like things (like turning a character dark), so im proud of it kinda :') (but im not putting my AN on here ok thats enough)
> 
> anyway to new readers, i hope you guys like this? **please heed the warnings and the tags!!!** this work does not mean to romanticize self-harm and suicide at all. now, if you're an old reader, uh, hi i guess?? asdjgs anyyway enjoy nonetheless! and if you're like me, who's been on ao3 for a while now but also came from FFNET, remember to keep your back-ups safe! post them on here or just keep them to yourself; no matter how cringe or emabrassed you may be over your old work, it's always nice to see how far you've come. uwu
> 
> i think i'll be posting more of my old works here for as long as i can find the original files. won't touch them, just really post them, maybe clean up formatting because haha FFNET formatting yes. for the others i left unfinished, i do have plans to rewrite them or continue them, but we'll see how things turn out, no promises there
> 
> to those who knew me back then as Unscented Rain 0427 and are here today, reading this work or have read my works before, thanks so much for your support! i wasn't very good at replying to reviews back then (still not tbh) and all that, but i hope yall know that im always thankful for any kind of support! i've come a long way from then--2 FFNET accounts before Unscented Rain 0427, to be exact, starting from 2010 (i forget passwords easily as a kid okay) and here i am, ten years later, still writing haha but anyway thanks for dropping by! :D

Pale blue hair. Pale skin. Deep abysses in blank blue orbs. Presence barely noticeable by anyone and everyone. A shadow that lurks deep behind the scenes, helping the lights—the bright ones, the geniuses, the desired—become brighter and brighter as he gets darker. Darker. Darker. And darker.

And he would never stop getting darker even if he had reached the pitch black darkness.

Maybe he wasn’t human, then. Maybe he was as blank as he looked. Maybe his seemingly forever pale complexion and pale, blue eyes that seem to just break everything into itty bitty pieces, are as dangerous as it seems.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Such ‘maybe’s are unacceptable. One needs to be sure.

* * *

_Two weeks and three days_

* * *

Bite inner lip. Quivering lips. Nervousness. Regret. Fear. Was this the right thing to do? Then again, was anything right in this world? He knew he wasn’t, that’s sure.

_Scratch. Scratch. Plip. Plop. Scratch._

Pen. Skritch, skritch. Plip, Plop. Tears. Bite inner cheek. Bite. Bite. Bite! Taste copper. Stop. Suck. Bite some more.

Delicious.

* * *

_Two weeks._

* * *

Kuroko Tetsuya was a selfless person, everyone knew that. It was a solid fact. It cannot be argued with because all proofs and witnesses point toward that same direction. Fighting against it would just make one look stupid when they realize that—“Oh, they were correct. He is one selfless fellow indeed.”

He was selfless. He was always selfless.

His former teammates knew that best.

No matter how stupid and irritating Aomine got, Tetsuya never left his side whenever he needed someone to be with. Even though he seemingly hated Kise, he tolerated all the blonde’s whining whenever he came crying to him for comfort and companionship. Midorima claimed to have never gotten along with Tetsuya, but even though, Tetsuya always made the effort to fix things between them and help him with his luck items, even if that mean having the green-haired shooter just scoff at him and be on his merry way. Murasakibara always pet him and asked for candies, and Tetsuya was always ready to give him the candies while letting him pat him, but reprimand him afterwards. Tetsuya always listened to Akashi, and even when he was tired, he would do anything for him just to make his captain happy.

He was selfless.

He did anything for others even if he knew that he would barely get anything in return. He would be willing to break all his bones in his body just for his teammates, especially when it came to his former ones.

But maybe he did get something in return before—he got the everlasting protection form his former teammates.

Their overprotectiveness had no bounds. Aomine and Kise would be willing—no, they are willing too—to beat up anyone who dared hurt their precious shadow, and would do it immediately once given the chance (permission be damned). Murasakibara would give up his sweets just to keep the young boy from danger, and use his height and bulk to the maximum. Midorima’s lucky items were never usual, and every now and then he manages to bring deadly weapons, which, when in the clutches of their captain and him, things would get messy. Akashi…

Akashi.

Akashi never let anything slip his gaze. He scrutinized anyone who dared hurt Tetsuya or him his team, and he would—and had already—hesitate not one bit to shed blood. But that wasn’t the only thing that made Akashi exceptional when it came to Tetsuya.

He was the only one who knew what the shadow really wanted.

But he never pondered much about it, because it just seemed so unlikely.

That, in all actuality and harsh reality, would be the turning point of everything and his downfall.

* * *

_One week and five days_

* * *

Kagami knew something was wrong whenever Tetsuya heard an insult directed to his former teammates. He may not be as close as they were to him, but he was getting better at reading his expressions and his gazes. The twitching of his lips and his eyebrows—he’s gotten a hang of it, if he says so himself.

For some reason, pale skin would seem paler but more invisible; however, his eyes would stick out. Pale blue orbs would darken, would glaze over, and his eyebrows would twitch. He would stop walking for a split second, but then he would continue walking like normal. Thin lips would be pursed into a thin line, and every now and then, he would notice that the shadow was actually biting his cheek.

It wasn’t only with his Teiko team, but even with Seirin. Whenever Riko and Kiyoshi were insulted, or whenever Kagami himself was made fun on. Tetsuya would be like that.

But it’s only when the Generation of Miracles are involved, that Tetsuya’s hands twitch, and sometimes—rarely, but Kagami can catch it, can sense it—he would hold one of his wrists, clutch at it tightly, then let go with a barely inaudible sigh. Then, he continues with whatever he was doing.

Kagami knew it was simply Tetsuya’s way of being protective over his friends and showing care for them, but those twitches and those clutching of wrists that seem to shake him up for no reason, didn’t seem that simple.

One time, Kagami decided to ask him about it. However, once he opened his mouth, those damned eyes looked at him questioningly. It seemed to know what he was going to ask, and it seemed like he was taunting him. Challenging him to ask him that question.

Kagami promptly shut his mouth and proceeded to eating his pyramid of burgers. Tetsuya blinked before silently sipping on his vanilla milkshake, and sending a few glances to his wrists.

He gripped them again, and Kagami knew then and there, that something was completely off.

* * *

_One week_

* * *

The redhead thought that his partner was only weird whenever his teammates were insulted, but it wasn’t just that, it seemed.

After their match with Yosen, he noticed Kuroko twitch again when Tatsuya punched Murasakibara. Well, that was understandable. But then when Tatsuya began comforting Murasakibara _and_ Tetsuya twitched and grasped his wristbands, Kagami raised a brow.

What the hell?

Looking back on it, it wasn’t only with Yosen. Shuutoku. Kaijou. Touou. Hell, even Rakuzan!

Whenever one got too close to one of the Generation of Miracles, he swore Tetsuya twitched. But it wasn’t really the twitched that scared Kagami or the sudden death grips Tetsuya gives his own wrists. It was the stare.

The way those blank blue eyes would darken and glaze over at the person getting close to his former teammates. It was scary. It was like Tetsuya was digging even deeper into that person’s soul that his normal eyes do already. Whenever someone came up to him during those times, he would suddenly throw a death glare at them, before calming down, and looking normally at them again.

Kagami was honestly starting to get worried.

* * *

_Six days_

* * *

“Coach,” Kagami asked as he walked up to the female, “I need to talk to you.” He paused. “Maybe you, Kiyoshi-senpai, and Captain.”

Riko blinked. Kagami rarely asked him for anything. “Sure, let’s talk now.”

The redhead shook his head, a serious, yet worried expression on his face. “Somewhere private, uh, please.” He said, looking at the floor, then looking at his shadow who was just came out of the locker room, dressed, and ready to leave without Kagami. “After everyone else leaves, I guess.”

“…Okay, fine.” Riko sighed. Then she looked at the locker rooms and shouted, “Boys! Hurry up! I’m gonna have to lock up soon!” Then she added, “Kiyoshi, Hyuuga, stay.”

Kagami went to Kuroko and sheepishly scratched the back of his head. “Uh, sorry, Kuroko. I’m gonna stay behind and fix up some things. You go on ahead without me.”

He didn’t miss the surprise flash in those orbs. But he was glad they didn’t darken.

“Yes. Be safe on your trip home, Kagami-kun.” Tetsuya said, bowing a little, before leaving. Kagami just nodded and waved at him when he left, and then, he disappeared.

Now, he just had to wait for his upperclassmen. He really needed to talk to them.

xx

“So you’re saying that Kuroko is acting really out of it whenever the Generation of Miracles is involved?” Hyuuga clarified. “I mean, he’s protective of us—which is really thoughtful of that kid—but even more whenever those guys are involved?” Kagami nodded. “Are you sure on this? I never really vouched Kuroko to be overprotective.”

“That’s because he never was, right?” Kiyoshi asked, tilting his head to the side, eyes closed in thought. “Maybe it’s his way of showing he cares, but is it really just that, I wonder?”

Kagami blinked. “What do you mean senpai?” Really _just_ that? _Just_ that? Where is this getting at?

Riko hummed in thought at what her fellow senior was saying, and narrowed her eyes. “What are you getting at here, Kiyoshi?” She asked. “It sounds to me that you’re saying that it’s not really being protective anymore. Are you saying that, huh?”

“It probably has something to do with what Kagami said.” Hyuuga said. “He said that Kuroko acts weirdly whenever Kise and the others are involved and even weirder whenever someone in their team gets close to them. Closer than normal, from what he says.” He stopped to think. Then he looked over at Kiyoshi who opened his eyes. “You’re saying this isn’t being protective anymore, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question.

Kiyoshi simply hummed in reply, and looked over at Kagami. “Well, Kagami-kun, what do you think could it be?” Kagami looked away and thought to himself of all the possibilities. Kiyoshi decided to help a little bit. “You said it yourself, right? Kuroko-kun is protective over us—and the thought is very much appreciated—but even more so when the Generation of Miracles come into the picture. Overprotectiveness doesn’t seem quite like him, and it simply doesn’t suit him either. What other choices could there be?”

“Uh.” Kagami thought hard. He didn’t get it. What was up with Kuroko? Why the hell was he helping him again? Oh that’s right, because he cares. He doesn’t really want his shadow and friend acting so weirdly all the time. Wait. “Because he cares?”

“Getting close.” Kiyoshi smiled. “Think a little harder, Kagami-kun. Consider all the possibilities available, and don’t leave out a single one.”

Riko was getting it. “You don’t mean—“ She wasn’t even sure with her answer. It just didn’t seem like Tetsuya to be like that, but then again, things never really seemed normal with him. But still. It was…unnerving to think about Tetsuya and _that_.

“Wait, what were you going to say Coach?” Kagami swiftly turned his head at her, eyes questioning. Kiyoshi smiled. Seems like he was gonna see something interesting. “I don’t get it at all. I mean, Kuroko is one messed-up bastard who no one can really read, but you guys are right. I don’t poach him for the protective type either, most especially not overprotective.”

 _Keep going, keep going_ , Kiyoshi thought to himself, _you’re getting it_. The only thoughts I have in mind is that he cares too much, or he’s obsessing over them or something, and that just seems even more fucked up than everything else!” _Bingo._

* * *

_Five days_

* * *

_Plip. Plop. Plip. Plop._

Dripping. Pale complexion. Blemished skin. Horizontal lines. Chapped lips.

_Plip. Plop. Plip. Plop._

_Clink!_

Metal on the floor. Dripping continues. Ceramic sink stained looking very much like Japan’s flag, but worse. Wrists visible. Horizontal lines. Shaking. Eyes glaze over. Duller and duller. Duller and duller.

Darker and darker, darker and darker. Shuffling of clothes. Metal off the floor. Suck in breath. Horizontal lines.

Stained ceramic sink.

Peace.

* * *

_Four days_

* * *

A red flip phone vibrated endlessly on a mahogany table, the vibrations ringing through the whole silent room. A pair of heterochromatic eyes blinked open from sleep, and he yawned. Akashi grabbed his phone and flipped it open, seeing the new message. He raised a brow. Why would anyone text him anyway?

Pressing the middle button, the message opened, and he narrowed his eyes.

 **_To:_ ** _Akashi Seijuuro_

 **_From:_ ** _Aida Riko_

 **_Subject_ ** _: Kuroko Tetsuya_

 **_Message:_ ** _Akashi-san, you must remember me as Kuroko-kun’s coach. I’m very sorry to have disturbed you if I had, but this is a matter that has been disturbing us for quite a while._

_You see, we, his team, noticed something was off whenever your former team was involved. He acted the same to our team, so we took it as him being protective over us. However, he acts differently when you guys are involved. Whenever you’re being insulted or threatened, and even when one of your current teammates gets close to one of you—closer than normal. We shrugged it off as overprotectiveness, but it just seemed so unlikely._

_But the signs were getting more and more obvious as time passed by. He was really different when it was about you guys. The most noticeable thing about this was that he always seemed to be biting his cheek, and gripping his wrists. Something just wasn’t right. It wasn’t simply overprotectiveness._

_We have drawn the conclusion that he is obsessed with your former team. He’s obsessed to the point that he’s hurting himself because of you._

_And we don’t know what to do._

* * *

Four phones rang simultaneously in different places. The owners checked their phones and read the message.

 **_From:_ ** _Akashi Seijuuro_

 **_Subject:_ ** _Kuroko Tetsuya_

 **_Message:_ ** _Meet me at Maji, 3 PM sharp. Tardiness will be looked over just this once. This is important, however. Absences will not be tolerated._

* * *

“So Aka-chin, why’d you call us here?” Murasakibara asked, a lollipop in mouth. Midorima nodded and Aomine clicked his tongue. Kise nodded as well, and looked over at their captain who looked so serious that it was getting scary. “It’s not like you to call us here, y’know.” This lollipop was delicious.

Akashi looked at each one of them, before getting his phone and showing them the message. A few minutes passed before all of them looked at their captain with expression of surprised.

“Well, I never thought of Kurokocchi as obsessive~!” Kise said, a smile on his face. “Waaa~ Kurokocchi does care!”

“That’s not the problem here though.” Midorima said seriously. “It’s said that he’s hurting himself because of it. That doesn’t sound normal.”

Aomine stayed silent. He would’ve taken Tetsu as someone who gets obsessed, but then again, he was never really what you’d expect. He was, however, unnerved at the fact he’s seemingly hurting himself over it. “Is that really just it…?” He mumbled, but everyone looked at him. “Tetsu…he would never do anything like hurting himself just over that.”

“Exactly what Daiki is saying.” Akashi spoke up. “Something is off here, and it’s up to us to find what is wrong. Especially what his coach said—the gripping of wrists and biting of cheeks—as if he was controlling himself.”

“Controlling what exactly?” Kise asked, tilting this head to side. He did have a point there. Kurokocchi wouldn’t be so reckless!

Murasakibara crunched the lollipop between his teeth, a loud sound coming from it. “Kuro-chin must be controlling himself from breaking or something like that.” He said, before finally munching the lollipop to pieces. “He’s not just obsessed, is he, Aka-chin?”

“What does this mean, Akashi?” Midorima sounded threatening, but Akashi didn’t falter. He did care for Kuroko, but they both knew they’d never get along well. Still, he does care.

Akashi looked at them once more, before opening his mouth. The rest stayed silent.

“Tetsuya is selfish.”

* * *

_Three days_

* * *

“Mine…” Tetsuya whispered as he caressed the picture frame in his hands, a few droplets of red dripping onto the glass surface. “All mine…”

In his hands was a picture of the Generation of Miracles and himself, back in second year. Akashi and he were standing side by side, in the middle, front of the camera. Behind them were Kise and Aomine, goofing off while Muraskibara and Midorima stood in the side lines, a tick mark on the green-haired shooter and a smile on the giant as he placed his hands on the shortest duo of the team.

It was a beautiful picture, a perfect family.

And it all belonged to him. No one was allowed to have his family, his team. No one was to touch them, to insult them, and to comfort them but him. He wouldn’t allow it, nor will he ever. No one was more worthy to even grace their presences but him.

“Ah.” He said, blank as ever. “You’re getting dirty. Let me clean this up.” He set the frame on the table, before setting off to get some tissues to wipe the red. He got the frame again and wiped off the stains, until it was clean again. He smiled softly before setting it down again and placing his wrists to his mouth, and sucking on them.

It was so _delicious_. So calming. So wonderful.

This was the blood that fell out of his head when he was hit by Kise. This was the blood that came out of his nose on his first game as a regular in Teiko. This was the same blood that had been circulating in him, keeping him alive, when he was still with the Generation of Miracles.

If anyone ever saw him like this, they’d surely run or freeze. He wasn’t sorry or going to stop though. He was satisfied with this. He was happy. He was at peace whenever he did this—whenever he was _wonderless_ , he was in wonderland.

He was hurting, but had no one else to hate but himself.

* * *

_Two days_

* * *

One day, the former Teiko regulars visited Seirin to watch Tetsuya practice. Tetsuya was there, paler than usual, and wore three wrist bands on both wrists. He practiced like things were nothing, and he ignored the stares sent his way. He was partnered with Kagami, and the two of them were going against Hyuuga and Kiyoshi. The four people clearly had no time for distractions.

Akashi narrowed his eyes at his former teammate on the court. ‘ _Tetsuya…’_ He thought to himself, _‘I’ve never really taken you as obsessive. But what’s wrong with you?’_ Quietly, inside his mind, a voice whispered back to him, _‘What’s wrong with me…with us…?’_

Tetsuya kept playing as usual, ignoring the pain in his wrists every time he flicked them to pass a ball or to do his Phantom Shot. He was sweating heavily, and he raised his wrists to wipe his sweat on the wristbands, absorbing them. Seems like there was a good effect to this after all.

He took deep breaths as he waited for Kagami’s pass, but his mind seemed to have stopped working when chatters erupted around him.

“Look, look. The rumours are true! Akashi Seijuuro does have weird eyes.”

_What was that?_

“And that Murasakibara, wow. What’s a giant doing in Seirin?!”

_Do you know what you’re talking about?_

“Yeah! And look, Aomine Daiki’s here! What’s he gonna do, make us feel sorry or something?”

_Shut your useless mouths, you trashes!_

“And Midorima Shintarou must be here for revenge or something huh? Revenge with his weird lucky thing-a-majig huh?”

_No._

Tetsuya briefly turned to the side to flash a dead blank stare at those speaking. Time seemed to stop as all of a sudden as the one’s gossiping suddenly felt the shadow’s stare on them. Those blue orbs seem to grow darker and narrower, his aura changing into a deadly one directed at only them, and suddenly, his whole presence on the court was amplified only to them. His lips were twitching but were pursed into a straight line, and he clenched his fists. The gossipers swore they heard a growl escape from his throat from where they were seated, and that his knuckles slowly turned white. Those bright sky blue eyes just darkened drastically as his simple stare remained a stare physically; however the gossipers knew it was a glare—a scarier one and a more powerful one—directed at them and them only with the promise of pain if they don’t _shut the hell up._ He stared at them longer before mouthing something at them for about a minute or two, and they froze in place.

Tetsuya seemed to be satisfied with their reactions (or responses, whichever), and time began to move once more. He quickly turned his attention back into the game, dead stare gone, a seemingly small bright light in his eyes instead as he retained his blank face. His fists unclenched and he opened his palms and folded his fingers once again to intercept between Kiyoshi and Hyuuga to pass to Kagami.

Akashi did not fail to notice this.

“Ne, Aka-chin,” the purple-haired giant munched noisily on a bag of potato chips as he kept his eyes on the practice game, “Did you see Kuro-chin’s face?”

Kise, the only one not insulted, seemed to be shaken up if the paling of his face was any indication. He had an uneasy smile on his face as he turned around to face them, a bead of sweat slowly rolling down his face. “N-Ne, w-why did K-Kurokocchi have s-such a face and s-such eyes?” He asked, but another question was hidden within his words. _When did he get such eyes?_

Aomine seemed to be in shock too, but less. He knew how Tetsuya was when he got mad—sending blanker than usual stares and a deadly aura and all—but that was different. That aura was fucking scary, and those eyes. Where the flying fucks did Tetsuya get such fucked up, scary and _crazy_ eyes?

“Tch.” Midorima seemed to have kept his cool, quite used to insults by now, but that didn’t mean he was unnerved by what just happened. “I’m more concerned as to what Kuroko just told those…people.” He said, pushing his glasses up a bit. “They seemed even more messed up after what he just mouthed to them, didn’t they?”

No one said anything after that. It was true. Kise, however, was still shaken up. He wasn’t insulted or anything, but he felt the full intensity of that stare and he felt the malice just dripping from his eyes alone—his aura just amplified it even more for him. He wasn’t so sure anymore if Tetsuya was _just_ obsessed with them, because it certainly it didn’t seem like it.

Because he caught what was mouthed to the gossipers, and he didn’t like it one bit.

xxx

“Tetsuya,” Akashi greeted the boy when he stepped out of Seirin’s gates, “It’s nice to see you again.”

Tetsuya nodded in agreement, before saying, “I didn’t notice you all when you arrived. I’m sorry for not giving a proper welcome—I apologize on behalf of our captain on this matter—“

The redhead stopped his monologue with a hand, and put his hand down. “It’s okay, Tetsuya. It’s not a big deal.” He said, a small smile on his face. “Well, we watched your game and we’re very proud of you. So, we—“ there was a hidden undertone to it which says it isn’t ‘we,’ it’s ‘I’ because no one knew this—“decided to eat out with you. Of course, Daiki’s treat.”

Aomine let out an indignant yelp and was about to protest until he saw one golden eye give him a glance and he shut up. “Yeah, I am.” He grumbled. “So, where’d you wanna go, Tetsu?”

Tetsuya blinked. He didn’t know how to react as it was so sudden, but since it was Akashi-kun here who was practically ordering—because he didn’t even ask for his permission to eat out with him—him to eat out with them, he had no choice. Also, having Aomine treat meant it was time for him to take good advantage of it. He let out a small smile, which didn’t go unnoticed by anyone. “Let’s head for Maji.” He said, before facing Aomine with big, blue eyes. He twitched. “I’m _dying_ to have a large vanilla milkshake right now, actually. I _am_ hungry. I’m pretty sure everyone else is too, especially Murasakibara-kun.” Tetsuya said, the smile becoming a very tiny smirk. “Thanks, Aomine-kun.”

The tanned player understood it all, and began to sigh in despair for his soon-to-be empty wallet. Midorima pushed up his glasses before letting out a small smirk. “Well, let’s go.”

Akashi took the lead within the group, and they went on their way. Kise stayed at the back with Tetsuya, cheerful as ever. He looked down at Tetsuya and he looked up at him, face blank as he looked into his eyes. “What’s wrong, Kise-kun?” He asked. “You don’t look happy.”

It was Kise’s turn to blink. Ah, that’s right. He forgot how perceptive Tetsuya was whenever it came to reading emotions (or maybe him, in general). The cheerfulness, after all, didn’t really reach his eyes. The cheerful smile turned into a wry one before Kise placed his arms over his head. “Well, there’s nothing wrong, Kurokocchi. Just thinking, y’know.” He said honestly as he kept his eyes focused on the boy as they walked. Kise, remembering what happened a while ago, decided to test the waters. “And you, Kurokocchi? You seemed pretty mad to me during that game? Anything wrong with you—you can tell me!”

Tetsuya flinched a bit and his hand immediately went south to his wrists. Kise noted that. “There’s nothing wrong, Kise-kun.” He said nonchalantly. “I was not mad. I was simply concentrated very much on the game.” It sounded a little defensive to Kise actually, but kept looking at him either way. “You must’ve been seeing things.”

“Hmmm~” Kise drawled out and looked straight. He grinned. “Maybe I was, ne~?”

_Lies._

The blue haired phantom didn’t realize he was rubbing his wrists, or that Kise was watching him.

**-xxx-**

_ “Stay away from my friends, you pieces of trash. You’re nothing compared to them, so shut your traps, foolish imbeciles.” _

* * *

_One day_

* * *

Tomorrow.

The day was tomorrow. The big day. The day for his grand show.

Today was his final day to prepare, so he skipped practice all for this. He didn’t need to be bothered by such things for now. Tomorrow was going to be an important day for all!

Especially him.

Tetsuya lay on his bed for a while, before picking up the picture of him and the Generation of Miracles. He caressed it once more gently, a soft smile in place. “Everyone…” He mumbled as he traced the contours of each face on the picture, but stopped at his own face. He scratched at it slowly, before caressing it once more. And repeating it again.

Scratch.

Caress.

Scratch.

Caress.

He repeated it over and over again, as slow as possible and as many times he can, until a few scratch marks were appearing over the part of the glass which covered his face. His eyes began to brighten up for some reason, and then they began to water. No tears fell, however. He just stared at his picture, before raising it up in the air and looked at it as he lay down. The smile was completely gone, and he felt a surge of something all-too familiar and he bit his lips hard enough to draw blood. He licked his lips.

“I’m sorry.”

He was wonderless, in wonderland. And he felt wonderful while knowing that he was, in all honesty, wonderless.

Metallic copper tasted wonderful.

* * *

Kise sat on a park bench by himself, deep in thought. His head was down, preventing anyone from seeing his face and thus, creating chaos. His hands were placed under his chin for support, and his fingers were gripping tightly onto his chin. He retraced his mind back to yesterday, at Maji, and what happened.

=

“It has come to our attention that you’ve been quite out of it lately, Tetsuya.” Akashi spoke with authority, and power. “Do tell us why.”

After having Aomine mourn over his wallet and eat, Akashi decided to rest for a while. The silence was thick, so he decided to break it himself with the question that could possible start it all out. After he spoke, all eyes turned to the boy in question, the silence getting thicker. Akashi waited.

Tetsuya stared back, blank. “What do you mean, Akashi-kun?” He asked. “There’s nothing off with me. I’ve just been tired lately, that’s all.”

“Oh, but that doesn’t seem so.” This time, Midorima spoke up as he pushed his glasses up with a taped finger. “You’ve been acting really weird, Kuroko. You’re not yourself lately, and even we noticed it first before Seirin did.” He said seriously. “Don’t make us worry over something so trivial now. Tell us what the hell’s wrong.”

The Generation of Miracles looked at Tetsuya, whom they noticed whose lips twitched into a small smile and disappeared as fast. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with me, Midorima-kun. I’d highly appreciate it if—“

“Tetsu, someone’s saying that you’re overprotective.” Aomine said, straight to the point. “People are going around and saying that you’re damn overprotective over Seirin and that Kagami brat. We could care less—“ They expected Tetsuya to flinch even just a bit, but his eyes seem to glow in happiness instead. “—about that, but then some are saying that you’re even worse when it came to us. You’re so horrible that you’ve been hurting yourself. So, just tell us what the hell those rumours are about, so we can all be happy.”

It was unlike Aomine to somewhat snap at his former shadow, but it was to be expected. It was Aomine’s way of showing he cared, if the softening of his muscles around his jaw was any indication, and that he’s worried in his own way. He was silently beating himself up in his mind for causing such silence and probably making Tetsuya hate him, but instead, said boy in question sighed.

“Aomine-kun,” he began, voice as calm and expressionless as a brick, “There’s nothing wrong. It’s true that I am protective over Seirin, and yes, maybe even more over you all, but I don’t see what’s wrong with that. I am not hurting myself in any way, as you can see,” He raised his arms for emphasis and showed his neck and showed his forehead, “And I know nothing of those rumours. They’re just rumours, little fibs that mean nothing, yes?”

“That is true.” Akashi answered, nodding as well. “They’re nothing to believe in. We should’ve known to have believed those lies. We apologize for ever doubting you, Tetsuya.”

Wrong. Something was wrong here. Something wasn’t right. Akashi would never apologize sincerely. He would never let something slide so easily. Tetsuya would never have spoken so much straight. He never ended things with a question so formal. Akashi never finished things quickly but was left hanging—or left his team hanging.

He never. They never.

“However, it is time for us to go.” Akashi said. “I take it you’ll be staying here longer?” Tetsuya nodded. “Well, Atsushi, Shintarou, Daiki and I need to get going. Ryouta shall stay here as he wants to.” Kise nodded as well. He did ask Akashi a while ago if he could, and was granted permission. “Goodbye.”

The other three waved as well, and left the store. Now, it was only Kise and Tetsuya left. They sat in silence, and Tetsuya decided to break it by speaking. “You heard—well, saw—what I said to those gossipers a while ago, didn’t you, Kise-kun?”

Kise was clearly not expecting that. “What do you mean, Kurokocchi~?” He asked, tilting his head to the side with a confused face.

Tetsuya blinked at him and calmly sipped on his extra-large vanilla milkshake. “Please don’t lie to me, Kise-kun.” He said. “I know you heard it. Your reaction a while ago said it all.”

The blonde flinched. Well, he didn’t expect that Tetsuya would get better perception skills now. Though, it was somewhat expected as he did read his expression faster than usual a while ago. He sighed, and let a dry smile creep onto his face. “Well, you know me so well, Kurokocchi, that lying is just so hard to do to you.” He said.

“Don’t tell anyone.” Tetsuya said immediately, no room for jokes and casualness at all. “This would be kept just between us, okay?”

“Sure, anything for you, Kurokocchi!” Kise nodded. “But in return, can I ask you something, but promise to answer me honestly, okay?”

Tetsuya, seeing nothing wrong with the deal, nodded. “Ask away, Kise-kun.”

Kise cut straight to the point. “You aren’t really obsessed with us, are you?” He asked. “You’re just being selfish. You were deeply hurt by what happened to us in Teiko, that you hated us right? Us and basketball. But then you found it your heart to forgive us and give basketball another try and then you started caring for us again. You became protective because you didn’t want to lose us again, not when things were finally starting to get better again. You started caring a bit too much because you thought that you wanted more, that you finally accepted you were becoming selfish, and that you should act upon it. And you did. You’re caring so much now that you’ve been branded obsessive, and you’re hurting inside because you know how that’ll reflect on us.” He took a deep breath, completely not expecting to rant out like that. “Am I right?”

The whole time, Tetsuya just sipped on his milkshake. Kise noted that amusement was swirling in his eyes. It seemed…different, though. It wasn’t amusement…it was…scary?

Insane?

Fucked up?

After a while, he stopped, and looked at Kise with a small smile. “Kise-kun would’ve gotten a perfect mark, but sadly, he only got half. He fails.” He mused out loud. “You’ve nearly gotten it all right, Kise-kun. But I’d like for you to realize that I’m not the only factor in everything.” He said. “You guys are playing a big factor in everything else. You have yet to realize what it is though.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Kise waved his arms in front of him, confused. “A-are you saying that you are obsessed with us?” Okay, he didn’t expect this. At all.

Tetsuya’s stare was the only answer he got. Somehow, that made him bubbly. “Wah! I always knew Kurokocchi did care for us! Wahaha~!” He swooned, very happy with things.

He then looked back Tetsuya, who smiled. Kise seemed to have forgotten the seriousness just now, and that he only filled in one gap, and not all. There’s still a lot of holes, and Tetsuya was glad he wouldn’t have to answer anymore.

=

Kise sighed. He was an idiot, alright. He should’ve asked more! The gaps were getting bigger, and he had a feeling that things are going to get messy. He bit his lip.

 _‘What’s wrong with Kurokocchi?’_ He thought. _‘I’ve left a lot of holes open here: Obsession clearly wasn’t hurting him, so what was? And other factors…factors for what? His obsession? His feelings? I don’t get it!’_ He sighed in resignation as a headache began to build up.

And then there were the wristbands he had to worry about. It really was nothing to Kise, actually, but seeing those pale, skinny wrists covered by three bands each was something else. It seemed like he was hiding something from them, and so he using them. But what was he hiding in the first place? What was on his wrists that, whenever they were concerned, he would rub them unconsciously?

An idea popped into his mind, but he threw it immediately. Nah, Tetsuya isn’t that type of person. But then again, no one ever knew he would be obsessive so…

God. What was up with the world?

“Aaagh.” Kise rubbed his chin in though and frustration. “If I were him, I’d probably be branded as insane or something.” He mumbled. “Insane because of caring too much that it hurt.”

* * *

_12 hours_

* * *

Akashi couldn’t sleep. He played shogi by himself, but wasn’t getting any sleepier. He received news from Kise yesterday about the other day, and what he thought. Kise sounded so unsure with his last idea, but Akashi knew that that idea was no simple idea.

It was already the truth.

Everything made sense now. Tetsuya was obsessed with them, but wasn’t hurting himself because of it exactly. His obsession has grown so big he was already _insane_ and _fucked up_ , but was still desperately trying to hold on. He wasn’t hurting because of it entirely because he was hurting because of himself.

It was absurd, but it was logical. He was hurting because he couldn’t take it anymore. He knew himself that he was already beyond help—two to three years of holding on, god—but he still wanted to try. So he resorted to self-harm. He’s cancelling out the mental and emotional pain with physical pain, which may seem reasonable, until he got addicted to it.

It’s Tetsuya’s own fault that he was hurting, but it was their fault for causing him the pain.

Maybe if they didn’t become fucked up themselves, things would’ve been better. Tetsuya wouldn’t be there to pick up their pieces because there would be no pieces to pick up, and then he wouldn’t have to be so overprotective over them, and he would’ve never ended up obsessing over them until he broke.

He broke himself even more especially when he was just broken by them.

Akashi set down the piece noisily. Something was wrong.

* * *

_8 hours_

* * *

Everything was set. He was all ready to do these, and he knew for sure he wouldn’t regret it. He was glad to have done all those things before—enjoy, have fun, play, win, lose—but now, it was time to change. It was time to start and to end things.

He looked at his things needed for tonight. He looked at his wrists, which were still covered by wristbands, and his things.

Then his heart ached.

He clicked his tongue.

Maybe he should start early.

* * *

_4 hours_

* * *

“We are to visit Tetsuya.” Akashi said. “Immediately.”

Something was wrong—everyone knew it. It all started out when Murasakibara texted them all about feeling weird, and that he misses ‘Kuro-chin,’ so he wants to visit. When asked about, he didn’t give a proper answer. All he said was ‘Kuro-chin.’

That rarely happened as Murasakibara wasn’t really the best of friends with Tetsuya. That was a sign it self

Akashi complied, and so he ordered them all to meet up at Maji once more. It was the most convenient place after all, as it is near everywhere they need to be and go to. Once all were gathered, he gave out the order once more but verbally this time. Just to make things clear, of course.

When they met up, Akashi decided to tell everyone what he thought and what Kise told him and his thoughts. Everyone listened intently, but Murasakibara seemed out of it.

“Oi, Murasakibara!” Aomine looked at the giant. “You listening here?”

Murasakibara stayed silent, and pet his stomach. He crushed his bag of candies, and dropped it to the floor. They stayed silent. “Kuro-chin…” He mumbled. “He’s not going to hurt himself anymore, is he?”

“He better not.” Aomine huffed. “That guy better not do anything drastic either.”

Midorima scoffed. “I don’t know about that. Knowing Kuroko, he might.”

“It’s not like he’d kill himself now, ne~?” Kise asked them, a smile on his face.

Suddenly, it was silent. Kise’s smile faded and Midorima stopped midway in pushing his glasses up. Aomine blinked. He just realized something. “Isn’t today the day Tetsu got into the regulars in Teiko, first year?” He asked. “Like, today roughly three years ago?”

Murasakibara looked at them. “Ne, ne.” He called out. “If what Aka-chin and Kise-chin are saying is true, then would this day be marked as some turning point or something?”

No one understood that, but Akashi, as expected, did. “If today is the day, then Tetsuya must dread it somehow.” He explained. “Like I said, if we didn’t break, he wouldn’t have picked up any pieces and cared for us. If he didn’t care more than necessary for us, he wouldn’t be obsessed, and he wouldn’t hurt.” He said. “However, there would be no breakage to witness if he never joined the regulars.”

Everything clicked. Tetsuya would somehow come to hate them one day, but would always make himself love them no matter what. But…that won’t stop him from hating being a regular.

Oh god.

They all ran outside as fast as they can to the shadow’s home.

* * *

_3 hours and 45 minutes_

* * *

It felt so good. He felt so wonderful as the blade dragged itself over his pale wrists. He raised his hand and watched the line he created, open up slowly as blood began to appear and pile up, then drip freely. He watched the skin open by itself and watched as the blood grew larger in amount and became thicker to the point it dripped to the floor already.

More. He wanted more! He wanted to see the skin open up slowly again, and see the blood come out even slower then, all at once! A smile crept its way to his lips as he let out a chuckle and made another deeper line beside it.

“Sei…juuro.” He mumbled to himself as he made the line. He raised his razor and made another. “Atsu…shi…” The third line was the largest, but not deepest. “Shin…ta…rou.” The lone vertical line stood out from the line, as it overlapped current and future ones. “Ryou…ta.” This line was normal looking, but was deep. It was not as deep as Akashi’s ‘line,’ though. “Dai…ki…” Last line. Deepest among all, nearly the longest, but deepest. He smiled.

Mine.

Mine.

Mine!

All them—they were all his! They were now marked onto his skin like they were engraved into his heart. They were never anyone else’s—just his. His. Kuroko Tetsuya’s. They didn’t belong to themselves. Not to Akashi. Not to their parents. Not to their new teams. His.

His.

His.

His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His.

His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His.

His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His. His.

Blood came out gushing like a water fall on his arms, and he stared at in wonder, resisting the urge to suck it all off. He looked at his other wrist—his right—and his razor. He clutched it hard, drawing a bit of blood from his fingers.

“No one else can have you.” He mumbled and began to ramble off. “No one picked you up but me. You’re all mine. I protected you. I cared when none did. I loved when none would. I was yours and you were all mine. We belonged to each other but you all left me!” Tetsuya’s control was slipping, his mask, crumbling in front of his own eyes. “But I never left. Never. I would never do so. I love you all so much. I would never do that. I was no longer yours, but you were all mine. All mine!”

He didn’t know when, but tears began falling down his cheeks without him knowing. He choked back a sob and with each attempt, he made a line. He hated this. He hated losing control. He hated losing, but here he was—losing to himself no less. _‘Aomine-kun would be so mad,’_ he thought, _‘And so would everyone.’_ After all, in Teiko, ‘Winning was Everything.’

‘Teiko…’

He missed those days. His Teiko days. His middle school. His teammates. He stopped himself from making another line, and choked back a sob once more. _‘I’m sorry, everyone.’_ He thought. _‘I’m sorry for everything. But this needs to stop once and for all. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone—‘_ The faces of the gossipers came to mind and he flinched. He looked at the razor once more before sighing and looking determined yet insane. He grinned with tears.

“You are all mine!”

 _‘I’m sorry_.’

* * *

It was too late. They broke down his door and all, but when they got there, it was too late.

Tetsuya was kneeling on the floor, with his head and arms over his bed. His arms were covered in cuts and blood, but thankfully, the wounds—the grotesque ones—were facing the sheets. The room reeked with blood, and some droplets were on the floor. A razor as big as Tetsuya’s hand was seen just beside his knees—which he was somehow sitting on. His eyes were closed, and the tears were dry against his cheeks and the sheet his head was on was still wet with tears.

The Generation of Miracles stood there in shock. They were too late. They didn’t save him. He was gone. _Gone._ Forever.

Aomine was the first who fell. He fell to his knees and let the tears flow freely. “Oh god…Christ…Tetsu…” Aomine cried as he looked at Tetsuya from the door, forcing himself to believe it was okay, Tetsuya was alive—

\--but he wasn’t. He was dead. Gone.

Kise hadn’t been any better. He somehow went delusional and walked past Aomine on the floor, and walked over to Tetsuya’s body. He looked above him and cried. “K-Kurokocchi…please wake up.” He whispered. “Don’t keep us waiting, Kurokocchi. A-Aominecchi’s getting impatient…ahaha…K-Kurokocchi?” He just stood there, waiting for Tetsuya to move, to sigh, to blink, to twitch, to just show he was alive and that he could hear them—that’s all he wanted.

Murasakibara looked down and went to Kise. Kise was still hysterical, so he paid more attention to Tetsuya. He slowly got down to his knees, and raised Tetsuya’s left arm to look at it. Purple eyes widened as he looked at the arm, before putting it back to the bed, facing the ceiling and no longer the bed.

The arm was pale and covered with lines of red—like a ribbon being played around with on the arm, except the ribbon was never removed and instead, was engraved onto the skin. There were lines all over his wrists, but what stood out were the ones exactly on his arm due to the fact that most drying-up blood clotted there. The room smelled even more like blood now with the arm out in the open, and they felt their stomachs churn.

Murasakibara stood up shakily, and looked around. He didn’t feel so good. His eyes hurt. His heart hurt. His eyes caught a loose paper folded on the table by the bedside, and a certain picture frame. He walked to it, shakily, and picked it up.

Midorima walked to Kuroko and turned over the other arm. His eyes widened and he spoke, “Akashi, you better look at this…”

Akashi walked to him, and looked at what the green-haired man was looking at. His heterochromatic eyes, which were dark and glistening with wetness like Midorima’s, widened at the sight.

The right arm had more cuts than the other, hence more blood. However, what caught their attention was one particular area—one where there was not one line, or lines, but a character. A kanji. Midorima then pointed at the left arm, and showed him a phrase carved onto the pale arm. Both their eyes widened even more.

Before they can call the others’ attention, Murasakibara beat them to it. “Everyone, come here.”

Aomine was still in a daze and a mess, and so was Kise, but they somehow forced themselves to get back on their feet and get to the giant. They all crowded around him, and saw a picture frame in his hands. He passed it to Aomine. “Look.”

It was a picture from their Teiko days. However, Tetsuya’s face was scratched through the glass. Aomine began to cry again. “Tetsu…why…” No doubt he scratched his own face. No doubt he hated himself that much already. No doubt that Aomine wanted nothing more than to go to Tetsuya and hug him because _he didn’t deserve this_ …

“And this, too.” Murasakibara held up a piece of paper, and unfolded it. They all read it together with heavy hearts:

_To whomever picks this up,_

_You’ve just stumbled upon my dead body, have you not?_ (They flinched. He _planned_ this?) _I’m sorry that you’ve probably seen something so horrible and disgusting, and now, you’re reading this pristine white paper with probably red hands—hands red with my blood._

_I won’t answer any questions anymore, so might as well do it here. I killed myself because I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to ruin anything anymore than I already did to myself. If I ruined myself to the point I hate myself so much, what about others?_

_I was obsessed and I hated it. I hated hating those who got close to what was mine, the Generation of Miracles. I was no longer obsessed. I was insane. Crazy. Possessive. I couldn’t take it anymore—fighting with myself whether I was right or wrong, whether I should actually really kill someone so I can be at peace, or anything for that matter. I was tired, and I was scared._

_How was I supposed to pretend everything’s alright? Everything’s not alright and I would rather die. Sometimes the bedroom walls become my only friends because no one ever noticed that my love for them was bulletproof, but they’re the one who shot me. Without them, there would be no me._

_I was tired too, by being unknowingly manipulated by them. I wanted freedom, but I never got it. My obsession just made everything worse. Even so, I cared for them deeply, but they never cared. I just wanted to be noticed, even when I was invisible, a shadow, I wanted to be the light, just once, and that’s it. I never got it though, nor will I probably live to have that chance._

_I’ve been saving myself for them, because they’ll never be as beautiful, as smart as they are now without me._

_I didn’t care what they’ve been through or if they were contagious, because I’d love them even if they were dead. Because one day, I know that we’ll have the greatest things ever._

_I guess I wasn’t just obsessed._

_I was just…selfish. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted something and finally, I thought I should aim for it. I should work for it. But people…people are afraid of being selfish. Do they think that they’re the only ones afraid?_

_This is all, reader. I wish you the best in life. I’ve done my part. I’ve rested. I’ve accomplished everything. I’ve saved myself. I’ve saved everyone from me._

_I am no shadow; I am the selfish machine._

_-Kuroko Tetsuya._

* * *

**利己的な機械 //** **奇跡**

_ Selfish Machine; Miracles _

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> if you struggle with self-harm, please do try and seek professional help. if professional help is out of the question for you, please know regardless that you are not alone, and there are people out there ready to help you out, whether it's to listen to you or connect you to those who can help you better.


End file.
